On My Heart

I want to start this off by saying that I do not have everything figured out. I don’t know why I feel conflicted with my faith or have doubts about what Christianity means to me. I do know, however, that I’m not the only one who feels this way.. I have a feeling that every person who comes across this entry has related to me in one way or another. 

There is this false idea that Christians should be put together all the time so that we may be disciples to our nation. I couldn’t disagree more. It is human nature to stumble in our faith and turn from God. I have fallen into the trap of seeking perfection, which always results in burnout and disappointment. By struggling with my faith, I had labeled myself as “unworthy” or “unlovable.” It took me being confronted with Biblical truth from a mentor to realize that my running from God out of fear isn’t a fault of mine but is simply me being human. We can see that strong followers of God, such as Jonah and Simon Peter, had moments of fear or doubt in which they turned from God. God had instructed Jonah to preach to the Ninevites but Jonah refused as he despised the nation. God continued to pursue Jonah and lead him to where he was called to be, despite his desire to go astray. Peter, on the other hand, acted out of fear as he denied Jesus three times. After the resurrection, Jesus visited Peter and allowed him to redeem himself by professing his love to Jesus three times. In both instances, God pursued those who turned from Him so that they may continue to follow Him and live out their purpose. When you hear these stories, you may think, “Sure, that’s great that they were forgiven. But these were guys who could heal people in the name of Jesus and convert a whole nation with just five words. How could I expect to receive the same amount of mercy?” 

Here’s the thing: these guys are no different than the rest of us. While they have done more in their time than most of us, they’re still human. They each had moments in time when they disobeyed God and ran from His will. There has never been a perfect love that hasn’t come from God. You will never be able to provide the same amount of love and obedience of which our Father is worthy. We can never be comfortable with the perfect love that He gives us so we run to other sources of safety. And the funny thing about that is… it’s okay. God will continue to pursue you time and time again as you continue to mess up like this. We are His bride and His most prized possession. I encourage you to dwell on that truth as you consider your relationship with God. I hope this piece can serve as a reminder that we can choose to find community in our shared brokenness. Whatever is on your heart, know that someone shares that pain and wants to hear that. You can use my prayer example to practice gratitude in place of shame. We’re not alone in our pain, so let’s not treat each other as strangers.




Lord, I thank you for meeting me in my brokenness,

And taking my hurt and orchestrating it into a bigger plan.

I pray for peace over the unknown,

And acceptance of my lack of perfection and understanding.

I pray for vulnerability 

So that I may seek out others

And use my hurt to build empathy.

I pray for the community,

That this school may be used as a meeting ground for revival.

You are sovereign, Lord.

It is all in Your name, Amen.